this is me starting a new life. college. I will be attending Rider University in the fall. I have a roommate already who is great. I hope to make new friends and have amazing new memories by the time I start. September 2nd will be move in day.. and that’s when I’ll officially write down what’s going on in my life again. 

this time, nobody will know about it. just me.

I don’t get it.. I feel like things just get worse and then better and then worse again and again over and over again.. nothing good ever happens.. or am I just not seeing the good in the things that are happening? I want someone new to walk into my life.. a guy. I want a boyfriend or a crush or someone that I can like and go gaga for.. just to have someone.. because I miss feeling that way.. I miss it so much. and everyone I see someone else feeling the way I wish I could feel.. I don’t get jealous.. but my heart tells me that it should be me feeling happy and wanted and loved.. is it my heart? I don’t know what to do anymore..

didn’t do ANYTHING today.. oh wait. yes i did. i went to the University of Hartford for the day. i hated it. it was sceevy and gross looking. i crossed that school off my list. 

now i’m on Pinterest. the new website i am now obsessed with thanks to Vicky. gotta love her! 

tomorrow i’m going to the city for Moni’s birthday. i’m really excited. i have no clue what to wear. maybe i’ll stop by the mall and look for something cute. 

i was thinking.. the first time i ever started this was because i was depressed.. i needed to speak my feelings out on my own private journal thing.. and one day.. i did want people to see what i was writing. i have learned a lot from the beginning of this.  from May 2011. i learned to trust no one. they will always turn on you. EVEN the ones you really think you can trust. my bestest friend since 7th grade. Rose. she’s gone. she saw the things i wrote about her. she didn’t understand and even when i explain it she still doesn’t get it. i don’t need a friend like that. i need somebody who understands me.. clearly.. she does not. 

it’s thursday, february 2nd. groundhogs day. the groundhog has seen his shadow.. which means winter for another 6 weeks. i, personally, doubt that since the weather has been so nice lately. but we’ll see. i just can’t wait to get out of here. live on my own in college. start a new life and actually enjoy it. whoever said high school is the worst 4 years of a person’s life was right. hopefully when they said college is the best 4 years of your life.. that’s true. 

i ended up not auditioning for the musical. i wasn’t ready at all. i didn’t have a song. i didn’t look at the paper. i’ve been so stressed out.. i just can’t. i think it’s better that way. not like i was gonna be taking up acting as a career anyway. somebody said to me today that they heard i was depressed and they wanted to know if i were okay.. honestly.. i don’t think i am depressed. like.. i don’t think i’m in a state of depression. i get in these gloomy moods.. but that’s normal for a teenager. you know? but i think i’m fine. i’m visiting the University of Hartford in Connecticut tomorrow. i hope i like it because i would LOVE to go two hours away from New Jersey and especially this town Monroe. i just am so sick of these people.

i can’t wait to leave. graduation can’t come soon enough.

starting over. I stayed home from school today. Rose told me she didn’t hate me but she’s mad. that means she probably won’t trust me or talk to to me ever again. I still feel like crap and all I’ve been eating it raisin brand. I had some soup but I didn’t finish it. and my mom got me a chocolate coconut heart.. I had half of it.. my dog at me the other out of the garbage pail. -__-

I got new glasses. and I’m actually looking forward to getting out of the house and driving to work. alone time. gonna blast music is the car. most likely the song “under pressure” by queen. my mom was lecturing me in the car about auditioning for my last show.. I decided not to. I’ve been so stressed I feel like it’s not even worth it anymore.

senior year has been so sucky. time of my life? that’s a joke. a BAD joke.

Rose hates me. she saw all of the posts on here. the thing is I’m happy she saw it.. but disappointed that it didn’t get through her mind that everyone feels that way about her. she’s in love with her boyfriend. I mean, I have no problem with him, he’s good kid. but she’s pissed at me.. our friendship of 6 years is probably over.. and I just ruined my whole life. GO JACKIE.

now, for real, no friends, no life.

what a great day.